Surrounded by Poseurs

Metalheads are sometimes labeled as “nonconformists,” but I think that’s a mischaracterization. The way we present ourselves may not conform to the norms of the general population, but within the metalhead community we have our own norms and standards that let us easily identify each other as part of the same subculture (and more importantly, to judge poseurs who aren’t). Maybe those who pioneered the metalhead subculture were nonconformists when they started the trends of battle vests, bullet belts, camo pants, and long hair, but now that those are the established metal uniform the rest of us are just following it to the best of our ability.

And some metalheads ardently follow that last part, long hair, and they’re not about to let their inability to grow it stop them. These are the SEAL Team 6 of the metalhead community. The elite of the elite. The ones who are willing to do what the other guy isn’t: keep their hair long when they’ve already lost most of it. Enter the skullet.

And just like metal is the best genre of music in the world, metalheads have the best skullets in the world. Sure, that might be because long hair on men is relatively less common outside of metal. And because the non-metalhead men with long hair usually have the self-respect to cut it short once they start to go bald. But statistics have no place in this article. Here are some of the best skullets in metal in no particular order:

Ronnie James Dio

The legendary Ronnie James Dio needs no introduction. The legendary singer fronted some of the biggest bands in metal with a soaring voice that inspires singers to this day. He popularized the “devil horns” hand symbol that is now synonymous with metal. Unfortunately, between his vocal cords and his hands, another part of his body didn’t get nearly enough recognition: his receding hairline.

Look at that marvelous fivehead. Dio wasn’t a particularly tall guy, but that thing must have made him appear at least three inches taller than he actually was. Unfortunately, I have to take points off having hair that still covered the crown of his head. I don’t know if that was because he never went fully bald back there or if he covered it with a strategic comb-over, but either way it bars his hair from being considered a true skullet.

Cronos

I’ll admit I could never got into Venom’s music, despite their undeniable influence on speed metal, death metal, black metal, and countless other subgenres. However, I can absolutely get behind their frontman and bassist Cronos’ excellent hair, because his excellent hair can only get behind the top of his head.

Cronos gets bonus points for keeping the effects of aging at bay in other ways. He clearly keeps himself in good shape even at 60 years old at the time of writing. However, that only makes the contrast between his body and his face even better, since he’s always sort of looked like a goblin and aging has only aided that resemblance.

Howevever, we still haven’t reached the full potential of the mighty metal skullet. Read on…

Glen Benton

Okay, I’ll admit I’m being pretty liberal with the term “skullet” in this case. At 55 years old at the time of writing, Glen Benton of Deicide probably has less male-pattern hair loss than the average man of his age. It’s really just a receding hairline, and he still has his widow’s peak for now, which is more than Dio or Cronos can say. Or is it “could say?” I’m not really sure which tense to use when only one of the two is still alive.

However, I am including Glen in this list because that receding hairline is all the better to view the scar on his forehead from all the times he branded an inverted cross into it. Unfortunately, while Glen used to rebrand the inverted cross regularly in his younger days, he stopped doing it some time ago, causing the scar to fade and that amazing receding hairline to go to waste. What, does he think we care about those three dots tattooed above his temple? You’d think he stopped branding the inverted cross out of maturity, having grown out of the whole edgy anti-Christian phase, but a quick listen to the newest Deicide record would prove you wrong. Hairline maturity and lyrical immaturity: the perfect match. Why must Glen deprive us of it?

Devin Townsend

You knew this one was coming. Devin Townsend’s name is practically inseparable from the word “skullet.” He’s almost as famous for his skullet as he is for his actual music. This photo was the third result when I searched for “skullet” images. Okay, I had my results filtered to “free to share and use,” but still.

What can I say about Devin Townsend’s skullet that hasn’t been said before? Unlike every previous entry, Devin’s balding actually goes all the way from his hairline to the crown of the head, leaving a halo of blond dreadlocks adorning the sides. Truly a sight to behold. And to inhale. Apparently it smelled pretty bad.

However, as shocking as it may seem to you, I think I can do one better. Devin’s skullet was a beauty for sure, but the key word is “was,” since he shaved it at least a decade ago. My next entry’s skullet is still going strong…

Terrence Hobbs

Okay, I’ll grant you that Hobbs of Suffocation still has some hair left on the crown of his head that Townsend doesn’t, but given that Hobbs is two years older than Townsend and is still rocking the dreadlock skullet is a testament to the man’s brutality.

I am actually trying to use photos that I know are free to use in this post, since unlike my previous articles about bad band photos and album art, those with the rights to photos of these follicly-challenged beauties will guard them jealously. That means the ones I get for free are sometimes dated, the above being taken in 2011. However, I just saw Suffocation a month ago, and believe me when I tell you Hobbs’ skullet only looks more epic. If you’re wondering why I didn’t take a photo of him myself when I was at the concert so I would have a recent photo that I would have the rights to, it’s because I was so in awe of his skullet that I forgot to take a photo. Also I didn’t think of the idea for this post until after the show. And speaking of people I should have taken photos of…

The Neckbeard from the Amon Amarth show in Hamburg in October 2016

You’ll have to take my word for it, but this guy put all the others on this list to shame. I’m American, and this guy was probably German as the show was in Hamburg, but he was an inch or two shorter than me and must have outweighed me by at least eighty pounds, the opposite of what you’d expect (I changed my mind, statistics now have a place in this article). He looked kind of like the pic below, except even fatter and despite tying his hair back, the crown of his head was still bare.

Just by looking at him, I knew that no one else in the packed stadium could say they were a bigger Amon Amarth fan. No one in the world could have said that. He’s probably corrected me more than once on various metal forums throughout the internet since then. And he was surely right every single time. The only source he needed to back his claims was his skullet.