Click, flash!
“Looks great, guys. Congratulations!” the photographer from The Sturlusson Free Press said after taking our photo with the trophy.
“Can you believe this, Travis?” I asked excitedly, “We’re even going to be in the newspaper!”
“I wouldn’t necessarily call that a good thing,” Charlie said in a low voice.
“What do you mean?” I asked, “Look, I know winning a Battle of the Bands might not mean much to you in your 1,500 year history, but it undoubtedly means Travis and I are more brutal, right? Isn’t that what you want?”
“I’m not talking about winning the Battle of the Bands,” Charlie replied, “I’m talking about what you just said: the newspaper. Remember all the institutions I told you the insiders controlled?”
“You’re not seriously saying there are power-hungry frauds in our lame local paper, are you?” I looked at Charlie in bewilderment, “I’m pretty sure they don’t need a demon’s endorsement to get their article lining a cat’s litter box.”
“Reporters who work for the major publications don’t come out of nowhere, Eric,” Charlie said in a knowing tone, “Everyone starts somewhere. And you’d be surprised how much sway the local paper has. Regardless, it’s done now. All the more reason for us to get ready. The enforcement department could be back for us at any minute.”
“Yeah, speaking of which,” I said, “What’s your plan for when they do? Considering how well your last plan worked, I’d really like to know what you’re going to do differently.”
“You still haven’t even told us what your first plan was,” Travis added.
“Alright, let’s head back to my place and I’ll fill you in,” Charlie paused for a few seconds before asking “Wait a minute, how did you two even get here?”
“They’ve got me to thank for that,” Purple Hair said, swiveling around on the bar stool she was sitting on to face us, “And fortunately for them, I’m still able to drive them back, despite my temptation to drink this whole situation away.”
I guess none of the ghosts had spilled a beer on her or crushed a can with her forehead.
“Actually, Ms. Hemway-Fischer, we’re going to need you to give us a ride to Charlie’s place instead. You can tell my parents I rode my bike straight to Travis’s house after our tutoring session,” I responded dismissively.
“As you wish,” Purple Hair replied with a hint of snark in her voice as she stood up and walked to the door, “I’ll pull my car around to the loading dock now.”
“You got your guidance counselor chauffeuring you?” Charlie asked.
“Oh yeah, that’s kind of a funny story. I’ll tell you once we get to your place,” I replied, before noticing Travis’s disapproving glare out of the corner of my eye, “Don’t look at me that way, Travis. You benefited from our little agreement with Purple Hair as well, remember? Don’t worry, we won’t need her as a tool much longer now that we have Charlie again.”
“You’ve been making agreements of your own, eh?” Charlie chuckled, “Look at you two. You’re practically little insiders yourselves!”
I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Travis was less amused.
–
“You trespassed multiple times, including here, stole from me, blackmailed your guidance counselor, and got your entire school to fear you all over a Battle of the Bands? No wonder your brutality is through the roof now!” Charlie exclaimed as he returned from his room carrying a duffle bag, “Although I’m not sure how you made all the other kids scared of you by getting beaten up. But hey, it worked. You won’t hear me complaining!”
“Thanks, Charlie,” I said, hoping he picked up on the sarcasm.
“Alright, now that you’re all caught up,” Travis said as he looked up from his phone to reveal his scowling mug, “What was your big plan that failed? And how are you going to make sure it doesn’t happen again? Because as fun as this little chat is, I’m a lot more interested in not being murdered by a militarized demon police force with a personal grudge, so can we cut to the chase?”
It was like he didn’t even care that we had just won the Battle of the Bands. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to be murdered by demon police, either. But he could have at least let himself enjoy our moment of victory together.
“Fair enough,” Charlie replied, “Come with me.”
Travis and I followed Charlie to the garage.
“You boys figured out what these are, yet?” he asked, gesturing at the bizarre objects.
“Sure,” Travis answered almost as soon as Charlie had finished, “They’re holy weapons. You started splicing them with musical instruments since that was the only thing you could manipulate. Eric and I already figured that out, now why didn’t they work?”
“I dunno if they work or not, I haven’t tried them out yet,” Charlie replied, “Like I said, upper management acted a little earlier than I anticipated. The enforcement department came for me the Monday morning following my run-in with Purple Hair. They showed up just as I was leaving my house to go to work. In fact, they almost missed me entirely. I had my keys in my car’s ignition, about to turn the engine on, when I realized I forgot a guitar I wanted you to try out at rehearsal that day. I went back inside to grab it since I didn’t want to blow my cover by teleporting it. Of course, I ended up having to do that anyway a few minutes later. As soon as I left the house a second time, I got jumped by a pack of enforcers. I was able to teleport the guitar to the bleachers at your school just before they got me.”
“Wait a minute, you mean to say you had a chance to use one of your holy weapons for the exact reason you’ve been hoarding them, and you threw it away for us to find instead?” I asked.
“Like I said, they caught me off-guard,” Charlie grumbled, “I wasn’t expecting them to come for me this early, and I definitely wasn’t expecting it to be the enforcement department. If I had used a holy weapon on one of them it would have tipped the enforcement department off to my entire collection. Fortunately, being the trained drones they are, their only orders were to arrest me and extradite me to the Other Place, so that’s exactly what they did. Nothing more. Which is why my collection is still here. So before you judge me for getting arrested without a fight, think about where we’d be if I had fought back.”
I wanted to mouth off and tell Charlie I’d be just fine since I could play the band’s music on my own guitar, but thought better of it. Instead I asked, “Why do we need that collection at all? You were able to fight your way through the lowest part of the Other Place with the brutality of the other souls you recruited, and you said Travis and I are more brutal than all of them combined. Can’t you do the same thing when the enforcement department shows up here?”
Charlie dropped his duffle bag with a heavy thud, sat down, and took a deep breath before answering, “No, I can’t. Insiders can only be killed in the Other Place.”
“Without a holy weapon, you mean?” I asked.
“No,” Charlie replied, “No loopholes or exceptions. The only way to kill an insider is by killing him in the Other Place.”
“Then what’s the point of all these holy weapons?” Travis asked, “Encyclopaedia Daemonica said they were the only surefire way to kill an insider!”
“Wrong on two counts,” Charlie scoffed dismissively, “First, Encyclopaedia Daemonica never said a holy weapon could kill an insider, it said it could defeat an insider. And it’s not even the only way to do that. It’s just the most painful. If you’ve got a pesky little imp you need to take care of, a single whack from one of these will send him screaming back to the Other Place. There he’ll spend a long time recovering from his wounds, in Other Place time, that is, but he will recover. He’ll usually find a new victim to torment when that happens. Usually.
“If upper management had waited until I reached my quota before trying to screw me, my plan was to say ‘Okay, I’ll take another pencil-pushing dead-end job, but what do you want me to do with all these holy weapons I found?’ Upper management would have jumped at the opportunity to prevent mortals from using them against insiders. I would have told them where to materialize in the mortal realm. When they did, thinking I was obediently doing my civic duty, they’d instead find the holy weapons pointing directly at them.
“I would have then given them two options. If they played nice they could take the holy weapons, on the condition that I would take my rightful place as the CEO of the Other Place. If they decided to be difficult, I would have given them a taste of just how dangerous these weapons were for them.”
“And then what?” I asked, “Something tells me they wouldn’t find a new victim to torment in your case.”
“No kidding,” Charlie replied, “If that had happened, my plan was almost the same thing as what we’re about to do now: search the mortal realm for other rogue demons to join me. With both insiders and you mortals, I’ll be able to conquer the Other Place and take the CEO position by force.”
“You mean there are others who escaped from the Other Place like you?” I asked in disbelief.
“I’m probably the first who escaped in the way I did,” Charlie replied, “But I’m far from the first insider to ditch the bureaucracy of the Other Place. A few of them were also prisoners who escaped in subtler ways, but most of them were recruiters on assignment in the mortal realm who simply cut contact with their superiors and went into hiding.”
“Hold on, didn’t you say you called yourselves ‘insiders?’” Travis interrupted, “What’s up with calling yourself a ‘rogue demon’ now?”
“Urgh,” Charlie squinted his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, “The IR department reasoned that an insider who escapes justice or abandons his post is no longer truly an ‘insider,’ so they decided to use mortal terminology. Don’t get me started on political correctness in the Other Place, even I barely understand it.”
That brought me to another question, “If the Other Place’s bureaucracy is so stifling, there must be tons of rogue demons out there, right?”
“Well,” Charlie said, looking to the side like he wanted to avoid eye contact, “Not exactly. The longer an insider stays in the mortal realm, the more painful it gets for them. They know they don’t belong there. No matter how ridiculous the Other Place becomes, it’s no contest which realm most insiders would rather be in, even as a prisoner. The best recruiters learn to tolerate the pain of the mortal realm in order to land the best prospects, but even they have their limits. It takes a special type of masochist to intentionally stay in the mortal realm with no intention of returning to the Other Place.”
“How bad did the pain get for you after a month here?” I asked.
“Funny you should ask. I actually never had that problem,” he answered, “Maybe that’s because I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere. The pain might have subsided a little when I was in charge of my own pantheon, or the top recruiter in the Other Place, but it never went away. I’ve gotten so used to it it barely even registers anymore.”
“You think the other rogue demons might feel the same way?” I wondered, “Maybe they have nothing to lose when they go rogue.”
“We’re about to find out,” he answered, “I’ll give you a ride to your houses to pack a bag. Then we’re going to Eureka, Kansas to recruit our first rogue.”
“What?!” I barked, “The hell we are! The Lamashtu concert is in two weeks! You know, the one we just won a Battle of the Bands to open at after you begged us to let you back into the band?!”
“Do you know how long two weeks is in the Other Place?!” Charlie barked back, “The enforcement department could kill you hundreds of times over before you played a single chord at that concert!
“Eureka, Kansas…Where have I heard of that town before?” Travis asked no one in particular. Partly because Charlie and I were discussing something slightly more important.
“I couldn’t care less how long two weeks is to you freaks or how many times they could kill me!” I shouted, “You said it yourself, you need us! You’re nothing without brutal souls! Well these brutal souls are staying right here to play the freaking concert! Right, Travis?”
Travis looked at me like I was crazy, “Are you kidding?! You’re going to get us slaughtered by demons over an opening gig at a metal concert?”
“Not just any metal concert,” I corrected, “This is Lamashtu we’re talking about. Lamashtu, Travis!”
“We’re not going to get to play the Lamashtu concert, Eric!” Travis shot back, “The enforcement department will kill us first!”
“You don’t know they’ll get here before then! Not even Charlie knows when they’ll show up!”
“He said three weeks here was about a hundred years in the Other Place, didn’t he? That would make two weeks sixty-six point six, six, six, si…”
“Actually, the conversion’s not that consistent,” Charlie admitted, “Time always moves faster in the Other Place, yes, but that’s the only hard and fast rule the insiders have observed. Sometimes two weeks here is 66 years there, sometimes it’s more like fifteen days.”
“See?” I said, “They’ve only got fifteen days to prepare!”
Charlie interrupted, “That’s not what I sai-”
“Shut up Charlie!” I cut him off and looked back at Travis, “Are you really going to let a bunch of scumbag demons let us decide how we’re going to live our lives? We’ve already had this one doing it without us realizing it for over a month. Now we’ve finally got him at our beck and call. Do you really want to go back to doing what he says? Especially now that we’re this close to getting what we wanted?”
As Travis looked down to think, Charlie said “You only power me with brutality if it’s your own decision. If you feel like you’re being brow-beaten into submission I won’t be able to defend you at all.”
Travis looked back up, walked up to Charlie, poked him in the chest and said, “Then Eric and I will see you here tomorrow morning in your studio. We’ve got a concert to rehearse for, and we’ll need you on your A-game.”
I beamed with pride before I remembered to add, “But we’ll need you to come pick us up at our houses and give us a ride back here…And we’ll need you to give us a ride home tonight as well.”
“Screw that,” Travis replied, “Let’s just call our parents and tell them we’re sleeping over at each others’ houses.”
My grin returned even wider. Travis wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he had his moments.
Charlie chuckled, “Hundreds of thousands of metalhead souls I’ve recruited, and you two really are the most brutal. They may have helped me out of the Other Place, but they were already at the lowest point with nothing to lose. You two, on the other hand, have so much to lose. I don’t think you even realize what you’re risking by staying here.”
“I don’t care,” I said. I knew exactly what I wanted, everything else literally or figuratively be damned.
The silence that followed my remark was quickly broken by one of Charlie’s toolkits falling to the floor, taking a snare drum with it. At first it seemed like the toolkit fell on its own, but after inhaling a beer-scented belch I could see who knocked it over.
“Shcrew that, Charlie!” Adam slurred as he wobbled around, nearly knocking over a Gibson Les Paul, “We can take those demon cops together, it’ll be freakin’ brutal!”
We watched in silence as Adam shadow boxed, eventually throwing a right hook so hard it spun him around a few times before he face-planted on the floor.