I’ve talked about good albums with terrible album art before, but I’ve lately noticed several albums covers that, while not bad art, all share the unfortunate quality of looking like a particular part of the male anatomy.
By “several,” I mean four, so I can’t even call this a top 5 list, but not for lack of trying; I spent more time than I’d like to admit on the Metal Archives looking for the fifth accidental member to complete my collection, but to no avail. If you find my lack of success surprising, please keep in mind that I only considered unintentional resemblances to manhoods in the album art for this list, so you pornogrind fans can keep your album covers to yourselves, thank you very much. This is a family-friendly blog.
Glam fans, the same goes for you. I don’t want your album art and its very intentional allusions to the male organ. And AC/DC fans. And Metalocalypse fans. And Nirvana fans.
Man, how did I only get four entries on this list?
4. Lord Belial – Nocturnal Beast (2005)
What it’s supposed to look like
A giant, scary, demon tearing open a woman’s stomach and letting out a pillar of smoke from where her guts should be.
What it actually looks like
A demon tearing up a woman’s guts with his own giant, scary pillar. He’s even kneeling down in a way that looks like he’s doing it!
3. Whiplash – Power and Pain (1986)
What it’s supposed to look like
A robot hand grabbing a screaming, wrinkled, bald dude’s head.
What it actually looks like
A robot hand grabbing a different sort of wrinkled, bald “head.” Heh heh, see what I did there?
Oh, don’t look at me like that, it’s even pink!
2. In Solitude – In Solitude (2008)
What it’s supposed to look like
Satan surrounded by a bunch of hooded figures.
What it actually looks like
Satan surrounded by something else you might call “hooded figures,” if you catch my drift.
…
Heheheheheheheheh it’s Satan surrounded by dicks lolololololololololololololololololol
1. Behemoth – Sventevith (Storming Near the Baltic) (1995)
What it’s supposed to look like
Er, I think it’s a couple of pagan deities doing the Attack on Titan salute as they go into a whirlpool?
What it actually looks like
Not only is that a tumescent phallus, it’s a tumescent phallus about to go up a butthole! You look me in the eye and tell me it’s not! Come on, it even has throbbing veins! You can practically hear The Imperial March as this solid, straight vessel moves toward its destination like the Star Destroyer in the opening scene of Star Wars. That “lightning” is actually stink lines coming from the anus because the owner didn’t do a good enough job of cleaning up down there!
Okay, that was a little too much even for me. I’ll stop now.
Boy, are you glad I didn’t find five of these or what?