I hate flying.

I don’t hate flying because I’m afraid of being on a plane. I have a good enough understanding of statistics to know the likelihood of my flight crashing, being hijacked by terrorists, being shot down my a hostile military, or disappearing altogether are next to nothing.

My basic understanding of statistics also lets me know that I have an almost guaranteed chance of encountering at least one of the following:

  • A long line to check my bag
  • My flight being delayed
  • My flight being canceled
  • Missing a connection due to the above
  • A screaming child on the plane
  • Being sandwiched in with a bunch of randos for hours on end
  • The airport restroom looking worse than that of an average dive bar (this one’s particular to Austin-Bergstrom, although I doubt they’re the only offenders)
  • And my favorite of all, anything to do with the TSA:
    • Waiting in a long line for TSA screening
    • The TSA violating my Fourth Amendment rights
    • The TSA violating me
    • Etc.

I could write an entire essay on how utterly useless and ineffectual the TSA is, but the fact that you can now by a FastPass to skip the line has already done the job for me by proving what we knew all along: that they’re completely full of shit.

However, to the TSA’s credit, they’ve actually started to implement a few changes in their security screening process that has made it slightly less of a pain in the ass: sometimes they haven’t asked me to take my electronics or liquids out of my carry-on, sometimes I haven’t had to take my shoes off, etc.

Here’s the issue, the key word there is “sometimes.” Depending on the airport, I may still have to do the usual song and dance we all pretend stops terrorism like taking my shoes off, putting my laptop in its own tray, then awkwardly collecting all of it at the other end of the conveyor belt.

Some airports may operate both ways, and I won’t actually know if I’m going to need to take all my crap out of my bag until right when I need to do it when the TSA agent arbitrarily assigns me a line. Before they started making the screening process more “convenient,” I knew exactly what would be asked of me. Since I would usually spend ample time in line before screening, I knew exactly when to untie my shoelaces, take off my belt and put it in my bag along with everything in my pockets that wasn’t my ID or boarding pass, and have my liquids and electronics ready to be slipped out of my bag to be placed on their own tray. That way I wouldn’t be holding up the already gargantuan line by being caught off-guard by the same security protocol the TSA has employed for over 20 years.

But now I’m holding up the line by tripping over my shoelaces as my pants fall down thanks to this brand new protocol that doesn’t require me to take my shoes or belt off for the first time in over 20 years. And somehow I’m still the asshole, because God forbid the brave heroes at the TSA ever be held accountable for anything as they protect us from terrorists cleverly disguised as old men with pacemakers.

I realize there is little I can do to ameliorate the unintuitive bureaucracy of a government monopoly with zero incentive to change. However, even ordinary people you and me can do something. And no, I don’t mean voting, because these strategies* to make the TSA seem like less of a pain actually work.

*None of this is legal advice. You’d have to be dumber than a TSA agent to not recognize this as satire.

Opt-in for the full-body pat down and act like you’re enjoying it

“Don’t be shy, honey! Teehee!”

Thanks to the brave heroes at the Department of Homeland Security, you are no longer even entitled to opt-out of the full body scanner in favor of a full-body pat down, lest you be a security threat. As surprising as it is that the people who wipe their asses with the Fourth Amendment would also do the same with the Fifth, there’s nothing stopping you from asking for one. Or even better, telling them you’re opting out. It’s not like the majority of these idiots know the current policy anyway.

If you get it, the TSA agent will probably give you some standard speech about patting down your entire body, but only using the backs of his or her hands for “sensitive areas.” Feel free to butt in at this point with a comment like “leave it to the government to take all the fun out of being publicly groped.” They’ll love that.

Speaking of being publicly groped, you also have the option to be pat down in a private room. If the TSA agent brings this up, say something like “I’m not afraid of a few voyeurs if you’re not,” or “Oh, the private room? Will that cost extra?” Add a wink or coy smile for bonus points.

Once the TSA agents starts the pat down, start with a small gasp. Subtlety is key here. Don’t go for outright moaning straight away. Let it progress to that. You don’t even need to be the loudest when the TSA agent feels up your butt, crotch, and breasts with the back of their hands. You could have a special “sensitive part” that the TSA agent won’t know about until they full-on grab it.

The louder and more obnoxiously you moan, the better. With any luck, you may make your agent uncomfortable enough to get them to consider quitting. Sure, there’s a near-endless supply of morons who can take the job, but it will be a pain in the ass for their hiring department as well if enough people do it.

Pretend you forgot that fifth of bourbon in your carry-on so you have an excuse to binge drink

Just like the many other inconveniences in life such as your day job, traffic, your nagging wife, and your bratty kids, dealing with the TSA is a lot more bearable while inebriated. The fact that they don’t let you through screening with liquids greater than 100 mL just makes this even easier. While other travelers are downing a bottle of water or maybe a soda they forgot they still had before they get in line for TSA screening, you’ll be getting obliterated.

“Good thing that poisonous fluid is no longer dangerous now that it’s in our bodies!”

If the airport you’re traveling through is considerate enough to have liquid deposit bins before TSA screening, an airport employee or TSA agent may tell you “Sir/Ma’am, you don’t need to drink all of that, you can throw it away right here.” The proper response to this is “Huh? I dunno whyoo tee-ess-ayy agens make me down all thiz booze, but if id’s for safety hooameye tuh argyoo?” because you had already downed a couple shots while in the Uber to the airport. They were the kind that come in those tiny bottles that would have passed through TSA screening, but you drank them before anyway because you’re an alcoholic fiend.

Now it doesn’t even matter that you’re holding up the line because you didn’t know you’d have to take your shoes off this time. The chances of you even making it to the end of the line are now slim at best. Especially if they make you walk in a straight line past a drug-sniffing dog. But at least you didn’t have to deal with the TSA.

If you do somehow make it to the end of the line and the TSA agent is able to match your photo ID with the drooling troglodyte he sees in front of him, congratulations. Now lay on the charm that I know you think you have and this should be cake. If nothing else there’s no way anyone could mistake you for a muslim at this point.

Wait, you actually made it through without being taken away or arrested? I mean, of course you did! Great job, champ! Now if you somehow actually make it onto your flight, be sure to ask a flight attendant for extra barf bags.

Dress like a patriot

Terrorists hate America. The TSA is after terrorists. So if you dress like an America-loving Patriot, there’s no way the TSA will give you trouble, right? The more patriotic, the better! Wear a hat with an American flag on it. Grow out your beard to show what a manly, patriotic stud you are (if you’re not brown). Pick up some fatigues from the Army surplus store so the TSA knows you support our troops. Hell, you would have joined the military yourself if it weren’t for that injury you got playing high school football!

There’s no way a three-letter federal government agency could have it in for this guy.

Or maybe you did serve in the military. Since the federal government treats our veterans so well, the TSA will love you. If you’re a combat veteran, so much the better! There’s no way the government would be suspicious of someone they trained to be a killing machine then sent to fight a war based on cold-hard facts, a clear objective, and an explicitly defined enemy. You’re in the clear, big guy!

Wear your most Satanic metalhead outfit

America is under threat from radical Islamic fundamentalists who believe they will go to heaven for killing decadent Westerners. You, a blasphemous heretical Satanic fiend from the blackest pits of hell, couldn’t have less in common with them, so make that obvious to the TSA. Go the whole nine yards: combat boots, spiked gauntlets, bullet belts, and medieval weaponry. Since TSA agents are known for their attention to detail, you may want to wear the shirt of a band that has explicitly criticized Islam like Taake or Lord Belial so they know you’re one of the good guys.

Ironically, the best creative commons photo I could find of a black metal band wearing spikes is one that almost never gets on a plane to tour.

Be a Terrorist

Remember those trash bins to throw away liquids before you go through TSA screening that some airports are courteous enough to include? Apparently a potential liquid explosive is only dangerous once it has gone through screening, not next to all the other potential liquid explosives.

In fact, most of the TSA’s security protocol seems to revolve around the idea that a terrorist will only want to blow something up once he gets past security. That long-ass line of people waiting to prove they’re not terrorists all gathered together in a single place? A terrorist couldn’t possibly care about that!

However, internal tests by the Department of Homeland Security found that the TSA failed to detect security threats in 95% of trials. Yet even though the article I linked was released five years ago, no terrorists have taken advantage of this massive hole in the TSA’s security! Is it because the TSA finally cleaned up their act after getting this egg on their face and started implementing security measures that actually work?

Take a guess.

If the above strategies somehow didn’t work, the fault lies with you. This is all about how you’re approaching the problem. When your only goal is to go to another city unmolested, of course the TSA is going to seem like a pain in the ass! But if your goal is to reach the kingdom of heaven, all the useless screening measures don’t seem so bad by comparison. And you actually stand a chance of accomplishing the latter goal. Be sure you take yourself out in the explosion, however, because you do not want to live to see how they remodel the airport afterwards.

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