Surrounded by Poseurs

It’s a question as old as time: “Should X band be in the Big Four instead of Anthrax?” There are a couple popular choices for who should replace the much-maligned little brother of the Big Four, but it seems like every thrash band and their grandmothers have been posited as a more suitable replacement for Anthrax at some point or another. It has reached the extent to where the majority of times I hear the Big Four mentioned are in conjunction with “should X band be in them instead of Anthrax?” or some such variation.

Some thrashers stretch this to the point of hilarity by making up their own alternative “big fours:” the Teutonic Big Four, the Canadian Big Four, the Other Big Four, etc. without the slightest trace of irony. Or realizing that their alternative “big fours” are just as made-up as the Big Four itself.

Yes, despite the reverence (and criticism) thrashers levy toward the Big Four, all they are doing is opining on an arbitrary concept with no tangible existence. The “Big Four” is only a label created by the media in the 80s to describe the most successful and influential thrash bands at the time, as Scott Ian of Anthrax has himself pointed out. It’s not like “The Seven” from The Boys, it is not a codified entity with any formal backing or recognition. There are no exclusive Big Four-only parties full of coke and strippers (well, they still probably had those in the 80s, but not because they were the Big Four). It’s just a tautological colloquialism that exists simply because thrashers still believe it to exist. And the more they question its rankings, they only further reinforce the legitimacy of the Big Four as a concept and Anthrax’s placement within it.

Now that I’ve destroyed you Big Four critics’ entire identities, let me help you collect the shattered fragments of your personalities to say that I agree with you: Anthrax doesn’t deserve its spot in the Big Four. Here is every single other band who deserves it instead:

Testament

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Testament tops this list. Arguably the first loser, the Metallica of the “Other Big Four,” the big fish in the small pond, and other negs. Their name is usually the most common answer to the question “Who should be in the Big Four instead of Anthrax?” in my anecdotal experience. And as the only true metalhead, my anecdotal experience is tantamount to fact. In an alternate timeline where the media arbitrarily labeled the biggest thrash bands the “Big Five,” Testament would have had their spot on the team secured and we would all be squabbling over which band deserved to be in the Big Five instead of them, probably answering with the below band. And if it were the “Big Six,” we’d go to the band after that, ad nauseum.

Okay, I know both Alex Skolnick and Chuck Billy of Testament themselves take no issue with not being included in the Big Four, since all of the Big Four bands both started before Testament and sold more records and concert tickets. Yeah, and I guess commercial popularity was why the press labeled them the Big Four in the first place.

And if you really pushed me on it, I’d even concede that Testament were just aping Metallica’s sound in the beginning anyway, but you know what? Shut up, they’re better than stupid Anthrax.

Exodus

Another strong contestant, Exodus are a legendary thrash band in their own right whose name is also frequently used in conjunction with “Should they be in the Big Four?” They can even boast strong connections to the Big Four with the dubious honor of having not only one, but two of their guitarists join Big Four bands; Kirk Hammet left Exodus in 1983 to join Metallica, and Gary Holt joined Slayer’s live lineup in 2011 (although unlike the former, he didn’t quit Exodus to do so).

Not only does Exodus share members with Big Four bands, they also have the endorsement of members of Big Four bands themselves; both Scott Ian of Anthrax and Dave Mustaine of Megadeth claimed the name should be expanded to the “Big Five” to include Exodus. The latter even also went as far to say that Exodus should have taken Anthrax’s place in the Big Four in a 1990 interview, calling Exodus “a much better band.” Okay, admittedly I found that last quote from Wikipedia and my browser is telling me the link to their source is unsafe, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

Hey, who are you calling a coward? Well, don’t come crying to me when your computer gets a Trojan horse. And definitely don’t come to me after reading the source and tell me that it doesn’t say anything Wikipedia claims it says! I’m not listening lalalalalalala Dave Mustaine said Exodus should be in the Big Four so it must be right lalalalalala

Unlike Testament, who concede they were left out of the Big Four as a matter of seniority, Exodus was founded in 1979, predating all of the Big Four bands. Sure, Testament was still on the top of the ticket when they toured with Exodus a couple years ago, indicating greater commercial sales and thus more suitability for the Big Four. But considering we’re making a list of every single band who should take the one spot held by Anthrax, it should already be obvious that we don’t have much grasp over cold, hard numbers or other objective measurements of reality.

Kreator

They’re the biggest of the Teutonic Big Four! German thrash had a more blackened speed metal flavor to it in the 80s that the Americans lacked. That should count for something, right? Why are the Germans always excluded from the Big Four? Pay no attention to the fact that every thrash band in the world minus four are also excluded from the Big Four, hence the name! Excluding Germans in particular is unfair! The Big Four needs affirmative action for Germans. You know the last time the Germans were unfairly treated? The Treaty of Versailles, and you know how that turned out, didn’t you?

I’m kidding, German thrash fans. Most of ya’ll are perfectly reasonable people. Please don’t blitzkrieg my house.

Watchtower

Speaking of bands that really deserve a spot on the Big Four simply for being from a certain location, look no further than Watchtower.

“Who?” you might ask. Well, let me tell you. They released two highly-praised albums in the 80s, broke up a couple times, but are back together again and touring and will definitely release their eagerly-anticipated third album…at some point after they rerecord it yet again.

But most importantly, Watchtower are from Austin, Texas. Texas is the capital of the world. We all know it, some of you are just too proud to admit it yet. And Austin is the capital of Texas, making it the capital of the capital of the world. And I, the only real metalhead, am also from the capital of the capital of the world, which means my opinion on Watchtower literally cannot be wrong. And my opinion on Watchtower is they beat the crap out of Anthrax.

Try to refute me. What, you can’t? That’s because you’re not from Texas.

Your band

Yes, your band. The band you are in. You seem to have some pretty strong opinions on why Anthrax doesn’t deserve their spot in the Big Four, surely that means your band must be better, right? Anthrax only has four certified gold-selling albums, but your band probably writes platinum albums in their sleep. Those poor clowns in Anthrax have gone to the Grammy Awards with nominations six times, but have never won! What losers, right? How many Grammys has your band won? Don’t be shy, tell me! I need to rub it in these Anthrax chumps’ faces.

Slayer

“Wait, what?” you’re probably thinking, “Slayer is already in the Big Four, why are you saying they should be in it again?”

See, that’s where you’re wrong. Slayer was in the Big Four, but they stopped being a band when they broke up in 2019, leaving an open spot in the Big Four that the thrash community could have filled with someone else. Yet you fools still kept debating which band should take Anthrax’s place in the Big Four like you hadn’t even noticed. And I know you noticed. It’s hard to miss the scars on your arm from when you carved the Slayer logo into it with your mom’s kitchen knife when you were 14.

This leads me to believe you don’t really want another band to be included in the Big Four so much as you want Anthrax to be excluded from the Big Four, so I figured if a broken up band can still occupy one spot on the Big Four, what’s to stop them from occupying two? Certainly not you. I can still hear you scream “FUCKING SSSSLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR” at the top of your lungs from miles away every time you play Reign in Blood for the hundredth time that day.

Five Finger Death Punch

Just checking to make sure you were paying attention, snowflake.

Megadeth

“Okay, now you’re just being ridiculous, not only is Megadeth also already in the Big Four, they are still a band!”

You’re right! In fact, you’re even more correct than you realize. Megadeth is indeed already in the Big Four, but how many of those four spots do they occupy? Obviously they occupy the Megadeth spot, but what about Metallica’s? Every thrasher knows Dave Mustaine was Metallica’s original lead guitarist and wrote most of the riffs they would use on their debut Kill ‘Em All, thus making Metallica really just a Megadeth clone.

Slayer? Kerry King actually joined Megadeth in 1984. Although his tenure in Megadeth was brief, Dave Mustaine’s undeniable gravitas and unparalleled musicianship indubitably changed Kerry King’s entire perspective on his guitar work, which then influenced his playing in Slayer. And just like that, Slayer is a Megadeth clone as well.

Now that Megadeth is already the biggest three of the Big Four, it seems a little silly to keep Anthrax around in the number four spot, right? Doesn’t it just make more sense for Megadeth to be the Big Four as a whole? Of course it does!

And since Megadeth is all really Dave Mustaine, that means the entire Big Four is really just Dave Mustaine. But it doesn’t end there. All thrash metal is Dave Mustaine. All metal is Dave Mustaine. All music is Dave Mustaine. I am Dave Mustaine. You are Dave Mustaine.