It’s the best time of the year. The leaves are changing into an arboreal fireworks display, it’s getting a little cooler out, fresh apples are in season, and Halloween is right around the corner! That means trick-or-treating, costume parties, an unhealthy amount of sugar ingestion, carving jack-o’-lanterns, and horror movies!
Alright! Let’s watch some axe-wielding psycho chop up teenagers for the nine-hundredth year in a r-what’s that? Whaddaya mean you don’t like horror movies? Don’t like being scared?
Uhhhhghghg…
Okay, fine. I have some other movies we can watch that don’t match the definition of “horror,” but will still get you primed for the season. I haven’t actually rewatched most of these movies recently, since I’ve been spending any free time I can get watching horror movies like a normal person, so my descriptions are all based off of my memories of whenever I last watched them, IMDB summaries, and the odd YouTube clip that hasn’t been taken down for copyright infringement.
These aren’t the usual Ghostbusters and The Nightmare Before Christmas recommendations that you’ll find in a gajillion other “Non-Horror Halloween movies” listicles across the internet. All of these are either rated PG-13 or R, so you won’t have to be relegated to the “kids’ table” of the Halloween party in order to enjoy the Halloween movie festivities. You’re welcome:
1. The Mummy (1999)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Although it is technically a remake of one of the classic Universal monster movies, 1999’s The Mummy is a rather loose adaptation, with the only similarity being the overall plot concept of unjustly sentenced Egyptian Imhotep returning in the 20th Century with a chip on his shoulder to reunite with his forbidden lover. Writer and director Stephen Sommers opted for more of a swashbuckling action/adventure angle with this movie, while also injecting a healthy dose of humor into the mix.
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
However, there’s still enough undead mummy spookiness and curses to secure this movie’s spot in the Halloween rotation, without being so scary that it’ll keep you up tonight, you big baby.
2. The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Like the above, The Phantom of the Opera shares a title with a classic Universal monster movie and the same overall plot concept. Shoot, come to think of it, they’re all about a scary dude competing with a more charming and less creepy dude to seduce a fine piece of tail. However, although both the 1925 and 2004 Phantoms share the same original source material, the 2004 film is first and foremost a screen adaptation of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s 1986 musical.
Yes, theater dorks, even you get an invite to the Halloween movie party thanks to this one. Although you’re still probably not going to show up, writing off Gerard Butler’s singing voice as “mediocre,” or some crap. Whatever, I know it’s really just because you’re scared of the giant animatronic skeleton I have in my front yard. Losers.
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Not even a musical can prevent a disfigured guy in a black cloak hiding in an opera house and stalking a woman from being just a little unsettling. There’s still plenty of violence to boot, like a sweet sword duel in a snowy cemetery and a couple of grisly kills. Like how the one theater kid who showed up just killed about 12 Jell-O shots and is now using one of my decorative skulls to recite that scene from Hamlet. Maybe I should have kept this list to 9.
3. The Batman (2022)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Look, it’s not as scary as most of the horror movies I wanted to watch, okay?
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
It begins on Halloween. Not to mention our protagonist dresses like a bat, scares the crap out of criminals (and also the people he’s trying to save), there’s a supporting character who dresses like a sexy cat…oh, do I really need to explain this?
4. Watchmen (2009)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Look, it’s not as scary as The Batman, okay?…just way more violent.
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Some of the best scenes, like when Rorschach breaks out of prison, take place on Halloween…or was it just the graphic novel that set that part on Halloween? Um…one of the superheroes is a take on Batman except he dresses like an owl. There are also a bunch of other superheroes and villains who wear costumes, too. Like what we do on Halloween.
5. The Crow (1994)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
If you’re one of the last metalheads at my party whom that theater kid hasn’t scared away yet, you will at least appreciate the fact that our protagonist is a rock star, and several scenes take place in a rock venue.
And who doesn’t love a good revenge story? No, it’s not about someone who was wronged coming back from the dead to take revenge upon the living like in a horror movie. Well, that’s actually exactly what it’s about, but the undead is the hero in this one and the living are the bad gu-hey, where are you going? At least take a Snickers bar with you!
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Okay, admittedly most of the movie takes place on Devil’s Night, the night before Halloween, but that means it’s literally Halloween-adjacent, right? Not to mention it’s about a dude who comes back from the dead as a leather-clad black-and-white facepainted badass a year after his murder to serve his killers their just desserts. Which is exactly what I needed to do to you to get you to come back and watch this movie. That sugar coma hits hard after you’ve had eight king-sized candy bars and half a brownie tray, doesn’t it?
6. Donnie Darko (2001)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
It’s a bizarre psychological thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat. What, that’s not enough for you? Fine, it has Patrick Swayze, Drew Barrymore, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Jake Gyllenhaal as our leading man before he was a household name. I said psychological thriller, not horror, big difference!…Yeah, I know that rabbit thing looks scary, but it’s not as scary as the poster seems…Will you just sit down and have another beer?!
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
The plot culminates on a Halloween-themed costume party. Okay, I guess it’s more Halloween-adjacent since the party itself is on October 30 and the story doesn’t continue after that…well it does, but not to October 31…well it would make sense if you stopped asking stupid questions and watched the movie, damn it!
7. Drive (2011)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Ladies, Ryan Gosling plays the lead role.
Fellas, Ryan Gosling plays a strong, silent badass to whom you can totally relate as you stand in the corner and awkwardly stare across the room at that girl you’ve been working up the nerve to talk to for the past two hours. You didn’t think I noticed, did you? Oh, she’s not your type? Sure, bro.
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Several clues throughout the movie clearly indicate that the story takes place some time before and possibly during Halloween. Okay, the holiday has no effect on the plot and the word “Halloween” isn’t mentioned once during the movie, but the protagonist barely says any words at all during the movie, so you can’t hold that against me. It’s at least Halloween-adjacent.
Thanks to the protagonist’s iconic white bomber jacket with a gold scorpion on the back, the rest of us can identify weirdos we should probably kick out of our Halloween parties based on their costumes. Speaking of which, how’s that corner, big guy? Good? That’s good. Let me show you another part of my house I think you’ll also like, it’s called the front door.
Also I have no better way to transition to showing off my own Halloween costume this year, so here are the two memes that inspired it, one of which is a Drive reference and both of which will probably get me sued by Warner Bros.
8. V for Vendetta (2005)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
It has a star-studded cast, relevant social commentary, and is just a good movie, what more do you want from me?…Who cares what Alan Moore thinks?
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Well, the plot culminates on the Fifth of November so…yeah, I know that’s not Halloween, will you let me fini…it takes place over a whole year! That means some of it must have had to be on Hal…well it’s still close! Can I please j…If nothing else, I’m just mildly stretching the definition of Halloween-adj…IT’S ABOUT A HORRIBLY DISFIGURED GUY IN A MASK AND A BLACK ROBE WHO KILLS PEOPLE! THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IN PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, WASN’T IT!
9. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Er, it’s not horror. It may have gotten Kubrick killed in real life, though. Hey! I said it’s not horror, where you going?!
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
The protagonist crashes an occult costume party. Yeah, the movie itself takes place around Christmas time, but…I said he crashes an occult costume party! What part of “occult costume party” isn’t Halloween enough for you, Mister/Miss “I’m-Too-Scared-Of-Horror-Movies?!”
Speaking of party crashers, what are all these tools dressed as cops doing at my party?
The theater kid drank how much Wild Turkey and did what?!
10. The Town (2010)
Why you’ll at least tolerate watching it
Ben Affleck directs and stars alongside Jeremy Renner, Blake Lively, and John Hamm. Bank robbers rob banks. Oh, just look it up on Rotten Tomatoes, asshole.
Why it’s still a Halloween movie
Er, it takes place in the fall. And, uh, they wear Halloween costumes when they rob the banks.
No, not just masks!…I know practically every movie bank robber wears a mask, that’s why I said they wear full Halloween costumes! They don’t just put pantyhose over their heads, they dress like Grim Reapers and spooky nuns and shit! They even impersonate the police in one scene, kind of like these frauds who are cuffing me right now! What are my charges Officer McDonough, if that is your real name? Kidnapping people and forcing them to watch a bunch of movies A Clockwork Orange-style? But they weren’t even horror movies!
Ah, crap, I forgot to add A Clockwork Orange to the list.