If you’re a metalhead, Christmas is far too happy of a holiday for you. All this “Christmas cheer,” “peace on earth,” and “good will towards men” are incredibly offensive to someone with deeply-held nihilistic beliefs like you. That said, Christmas isn’t going anywhere (despite some government officials’ best efforts this year), so us metalheads may as well make the most of the situation. Like the old saying goes, when life gives you lemons, you spray the juice into your eyes, devour the rest like some kind of crazed lunatic, and scream in pain from the lemon juice in your eyes because that’s way more brutal than some pansy-ass lemonade. This is a terrible intro. Here’s four ways to make Christmas more metal:
1. Watch Christmas Horror Movies
Although the Christmas movie genre is largely populated by children’s movies, romantic comedies, and Will Ferrell acting the same way he does in all of his movies, there are actually a few horror diamonds in the sickeningly sentimental rough. There are a few classics like Gremlins, Black Christmas, and The Mothman Prophecies that always receive a good amount of playtime each year, but I’d especially like to recommend El día de la bestia (The Day of the Beast). Although the movie came out in 1995, it may be new to you anglophones.
I myself only discovered this movie a few months ago, but boy was I glad I did. It’s about a Catholic priest, the host of an occult TV call-in show, and a metalhead who team up to prevent the birth of the Beast in Madrid on Christmas day. That sentence alone should have you sold. The plot gets a bit convoluted at times, but overall, this movie is a work of art, with “cult classic” status in Spain. My only major criticism is a scene in which the main characters attend a local band’s concert that strains willing suspension of disbelief. I can get past the whole goat-demon wreaking havoc on Madrid, but a local gig with a massive crowd and not only one, but multiple hot girls, is completely unrealistic.
Regardless of the Christmas horror movie you choose, you can find solace in knowing that while all the normal people are celebrating by singing carols or decorating their trees, you’re celebrating by watching someone get impaled. But speaking of decorating trees…
2. Decorate Your Christmas Tree
“Ian, how is decorating a stupid tree metal?” you may be asking. If you’re particularly well-read, you may even argue “According to legend, the Christmas tree originated when St. Boniface stopped a pagan human sacrifice under an oak tree by cutting down the oak tree. An evergreen tree grew in its place, starting the tradition. Stopping a pagan human sacrifice is the exact opposite of metal!”
Okay, particularly well-read reader, you make some good points, but allow me to make a counter-argument. First off, just think of the entire process of the Christmas tree in detail. You cut down a tree, killing it, set its dead corpse up in your living room like some kind of hunting trophy, then further humiliate it by hanging decorations all over its lifeless, rotting carcass. Is that not metal?
And that’s just if you use normal decorations. What if you decide to think more outside the box? How about hanging some shrunken heads from the tree? Some goat skulls perhaps? Get creative! Any symbols you use to decorate your battle vest you can put on an ornament. As for the star on the top of the tree, just turn it upside-down and you’ve got a pentagram. Seriously, the Christmas tree is a metal goldmine. Have at it.
3. Pretend You’re Celebrating the Winter Solstice Instead
Yes, yes, we know. Caroling, ornaments, holly, mistletoe, and a bunch of other Christmas “traditions” actually originated from pagan celebrations of the winter solstice. Now what are you going to do with that information, Mr. Know-It-All? You could be “that guy” who points out that the Christmas decorations, which everyone had been enjoying until you showed up, have nothing to do with the birth of Christ. This will be a surefire way to abide by your governor’s social distancing orders this year, as no one will invite you to any Christmas party ever again.
If you’re content to keep your religious historical trivia to yourself, you could just pretend you’re at a pagan winter solstice celebration instead. It woudn’t be much of a stretch of the imagination, since like you’ve already pointed out, you’re mostly doing a bunch of pagan celebrations already. Who knows, you might even find yourself having fun instead of acting like a stereotypical atheist buzzkill.
“But Ian,” you might ask, “This article is about ways to make Christmas more metal. How could I do that if I’m celebrating an entirely different holiday?”
Well, here’s the thing: to everyone else, you’re still celebrating Christmas like a normal human being. It’s only you who’s making that distinction in your mind, because you’re the only one who cares or even knows the distinction exists. It’s kind of like how you use a photo of a Norwegian fjord as your Zoom background for work conference calls. You say you picked it as a homage to the vikings, but its real purpose is to cover your disgusting mess of an apartment.
4. Act Like an Asshole and Get a Lump of Coal for Christmas
You were probably already acting like one regardless of the season, but being on Santa’s naughty list is pretty metal.